Whose fault is it anyway?

There lived a lady who had the vicious habit of finding fault with everything and everyone. Her cleaner woman, though is doing the work non-stop,  "is always dodging the work.” Every repairman that comes to her house, “is a real cheater.” Every restaurant that she goes out to eat, “the food is unpalatable.” We come across such people every day in our lives. People who are hard to be pleased. Rather who refuse to be pleased. Why do people behave this way? What is the psychology behind such behavior?

The fundamental fact here is the insecurity that these people feel. Finding fault with others is one way of fighting that insecurity. A mechanism that puts them on top of the opposite person. Would love to share an interesting episode that I came across. 

An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman left her eyeglasses on the table and suddenly remembered them half way through the highway while driving, where it was difficult for them to turn around. The husband fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant about her forgetting her eyeglasses everywhere. Finally when they were back in the restaurant and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "anyways, since you are going in, you may as well get my hat too." !!!!
As I have discussed in my previous posts, we would recognize that, when we find fault with others we are only seeing a mirror image of ourselves in that person and that life is trying to show us that image of ourselves in the opposite person. This may be illustrated by an episode from the Mahabharata.

One day, Krishna summoned Duryodhana and Dharmaraj and asked them to make a study of the people in the kingdom. He asked Duryodhana to find out how many good people existed in the country. He asked Dharmaja to find out how many bad people were there in the kingdom. Duryodhana went round and reported that he could find no good person anywhere. Dharmaja reported to Krishna that he could find no bad man anywhere in their kingdom.

It is easier to find fault with others than accepting the responsibility. It’s a common human tendency to attribute one’s own success to “ability” while others’ successes are due to their “good luck” and one's own failures are due to "bad luck" while others' failures are due to "lack of ability". 

No doubt, there are times when finding fault / criticizing becomes necessary. Calling a spade a spade is not a crime. But how we do is what matters. If the intention is to project ourselves as superior or smarter, not only do we create negative vibrations but hurt the sentiments of others thus alienating ourselves from that person. On the other hand, if it's done in a humble, gentle and genuine manner, intending as a healthy criticism, then the act makes both the parties stronger. Most people learn by love and compassion rather than by criticism.

Another thought provoking email in this regard:

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called his family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple, informal test; which he could perform and give them a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, when his wife was in the kitchen, cooking dinner, he was in the drawing room, standing about 40 feet away from her. “Dear, what’s for dinner?”, he asked in a normal tone. No response! So he moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated “Dear, what’s for dinner?” Still there was no response.

Next, he moved into the dining room where he was placed about 20 feet from his wife and asked the same question. Still further, he didn’t get his awaited response. He now walked up to the kitchen door which was another 10 feet away and asked “Dear, what’s for dinner?” Again no response! So he walks up and whispers behind her “Dear, what’s for dinner?”

“Darling, for the fifth time I’ve said, “Tomato rice”. “Do you have some hearing problem?” 

Sometimes the problem may not be with the other person as we always think. It could be within us. Let’s look within ourselves before we find fault with others.