Compliment than Reprimand

Two children were climbing a tree. It was their favorite pastime. Suddenly there was a gush of wind. The leaves started to rattle and the tree began to sway. The first child’s parent shouted, “Hey! Hold on!”  And the child held on...... without falling. The second child’s parent shouted, “Hey! Don’t fall!” And the child...... fell!

How do we explain this? Simple. The mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, it cannot see a negative picture at all. In order for the second child to process the command of not falling, the child’s brain had to first imagine falling and then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Which the brain found difficult to process in short time. Whereas the first child’s brain instantly had a positive image of him hanging on tightly.
Moral of the story: Usage of negative words has a toxic effect.

Like the second parent, many times in lives we do use toxic vocabulary words unwittingly while raising children. What we fail to recognize is that these negative vocabulary words are capable of bringing down the child’s self-confidence and self-worth. The major damage that this linguistic error can execute. And what are these toxic vocabulary words?

• But: "I know you are a good child. but........" This word negates any words that are pronounced prior to it however complimentary they were.
• Try: There is a difference between telling a child, “I’ll try to take you for a holiday” and “I’ll take you for a holiday this year”. The vocabulary “try” implies not having any serious intention to do it in the first place. Children should be encouraged to respect honesty. It presupposes failure.
• If: "If I come back from work early today, I'll take you out"....This word 'If' presupposes that any promises made MAY / MAY NOT not happen.
• Might: Again this is one word that defines nothing. It leaves options open for the child and leaves the child wondering what is in store.
• Would Have: Talks about things that didn't actually happen. So why waste time?
• Should Have: "You should have worked harder...." This draws attention to things that didn't actually happen plus makes the child feel guilty.
• Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
• Can't/Don't: Exactly the mistake committed by the second parent. These words force the child to focus on the opposite of what the parent wants.

Mahatma Gandhi found this principle to be true in his own experience. "If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it," he said. "But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it, even if I did not have the ability in the beginning." The ability which was borne out of sheer belief in positivity.

Here’s an illustration of what these toxic phrases do and how to replace them: 

Toxic phrase	Likely result	Better language
"Don't drop the ball!"	Drops the ball	"Catch the ball!"
"You shouldn't watch so much television."	Watches more television.	"I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"

Charity begins at home. To avoid using the toxic phrases on children, it is obligatory NOT to use it on our own selves. Phrases like “I am fat”, “I’m dark”, “My nose is ugly”….should consciously be avoided on oneself and actively replaced with positive vocabulary. 

Psychologists claim that it takes 10 positive statements to offset 1 negative statement. There is immense power in affirming positively. One needs to motivate and encourage rather than criticize, compliment rather than reprimand, be it children or anyone else.

Genuine smile, Fake smile and Invisible smile

Recently I came across a wonderful video on “The hidden Power of smiling” by Ron Gutman. http://mylifeyoga.com/2012/08/11/the-hidden-power-of-smiling/

It was an amazing talk on the power of smiling. He revealed some stunning facts in that talk.

§  One single smile can generate the same level of brain stimulants as finding $25,000 or upto 2000 bars of chocolate

§  Most adults smile about 20 times a day while children smile more than 400 times a day.

§  Studies show that even unborn children smile most of the time in the womb.

§  Smiling reduces stress hormone levels and increases the levels of stimulants, while also reducing blood pressure.

§  The fullness of a smile in a picture has been shown to be an accurate predictor of longevity, success, and well-being.

Well, what exactly is a smile? What causes a smile in one’s face? Charles Gordy answers this--"A "smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks."  A smile is nothing but externalization of an internal joy. A smile is an expression of happiness and joy in us. Smiling is one of the most basic biological uniform expressions of all humans.

Living in a jet age as such, we struggle juggling between too many things. Managing the kids around, cleaning the house, getting groceries…… we are always on the run. Lives can be busy at times and slow and boring at other moments. It's so easy to get caught up in everyday life that we forget how a simple thing like smiling takes so little effort and time.

Actually, there isn’t any great art behind smiling. We are all born to be happy, and we can show this happiness with that beautiful smile of ours. When you walk into a fun party where everyone is smiling and laughing, it's easy to get into the high spirit of the occasion. On the other hand, when you walk into a room where frowns are predominant, it's equally easy to start feeling a little lower in spirit. All it takes to uplift the mood in this room is to remember to smile away instantly without even blinking an eye! A smile is not something that you would like to save and store to be given sometime in the future! Use it when it is badly needed. 

But a point to be noted here. All smiles are not genuine. Sadly sometimes we have to fake a smile. Of course not in the bad sense of the term. To put it mildly it can be called a 'polite smile.' These smiles are generated by the conscious brain and can be performed at will. A smile which we show when we meet some strangers in the elevators, our next seat neighbor in the flight, the person standing behind us in the payment counter at the grocery store.... are all this kind of polite smiles. Genuine smiles, on the other hand, are generated by the unconscious brain and so are automatic. 

Is it possible for us to distinguish between a genuine smile and a fake one?  I came across this quick interactive quiz from BBC (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/) to test out your ability to spot the difference between a real smile and a fake one. Please do take this test without fail. Its fun. It tells you how good you are at finding out the fake smile from a genuine one.

Real smile and fake smile apart, have you heard about ‘invisible smile’? Read this story on..

Mr. Menon was an old grouch, and everyone in town knew it. Kids knew not to go into his yard to pick a yummy apple, even off the ground, because old  Menon, they said, would come after you with his gun.

One day, 12 year old Annie was going to stay all night with her friend Priya. They had to walk by Menon’s house on the way to Priya's house, but as they got close Annie saw him sitting on his front porch and suggested they cross over to the other side of the street. Like most of the children, she was scared of Mr. Menon because of the stories she'd heard about him.

Priya said not to worry, Mr. Menon wouldn't hurt anyone. When they got close enough, Menon looked up with his usual frown, but when he saw it was Priya, a broad smile changed his entire countenance as he said, "Hello Miss Priya. I see you've got a little friend with you today."

Priya smiled back and told him Annie was staying overnight and they were going to listen to music and play games. Menon told them that sounded fun, and offered them each a fresh picked apple off his tree. They gladly accepted, Menon had the best apples in town.

When they got out of Menon's earshot, Annie asked Priya, "Everyone says he's the meanest man in town. How come he was he so nice to us?"

Priya explained that when she first started walking past his house he wasn't very friendly and she was afraid of him, but she pretended he was wearing an invisible smile and so she always smiled back at him. It took a while, but one day he half-smiled back at her.After some more time, he started smiling real smiles and then started talking to her. Just a "hello" at first, then more. She said he always offers her an apple now, and is always very kind.

"An invisible smile?" questioned Annie.

"Yes," answered Priya, "my grandma told me that if I pretended I wasn't afraid and pretended he was smiling an invisible smile at me and I smiled back at him, that sooner or later he really would smile. Grandma says smiles are contagious."

If as per Priya's grandma, every one of us wears an invisible smile, we too will find that even grouchy person like Mr Menon can't resist reciprocating it after a while. J

Follow your heart no matter what

"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else." Yogi Berra once said.

All of us have dreams, ambitions and goals in life. A human life without dreams is a mundane one. But is it enough for one to have just dreams and ambitions but does nothing to achieve them? True some of the dreams have many road blocks, many challenges on the way to uproot. Its only strong will power and determination which will carry us through these obstacles. The reason for some people not working through their dreams is because they don’t feel that the dreams they are following is important. Here are a few points that one needs to ponder over before dreaming of a goal:





1. Do I really want to be there?

If we really want something very badly, we would find the necessary impetus to grasp it. If I happen to fall into deep water, and if I don’t know how to swim, my first effort would be to come out of that deep water at any cost. We are always highly motivated when certain things mean a lot to us.

2. Am I ready to work hard to achieve this goal?

Laziness takes one nowhere. The one and only way to combat laziness is hard work. And the previous point holds more weight here. If the dream is inspiring, laziness will vanish into thin air without any effort.

3. Am I ready to work till the end and not quit mid-way?

Life is full of challenges to face and changes to accept. There may be days when we get up in the morning to find frustratingly that things are not as we would want them to be. Many times our acquaintances and our relatives disappoint us and let us down. That’s the time when we have to believe in ourselves. A belief that these events are happening in our life to make our dreams come true. And not be a quitter.

Here’s a story about a young man Monty Roberts who owns a horse ranch. He was the son of a horse trainer who had to go from stable to stable, race track to race track, farm to farm, ranch to ranch training horses. As a result, the boy’s high school career was continually interrupted. He narrates his story here.

When he was a senior, he was asked to write a paper about what he wanted to be and do when he grew up.

“That night he wrote a seven-page paper describing his goal of someday owning a horse ranch. He wrote about his dream in great detail and he even drew a diagram of a 200-acre ranch, showing the location of all the buildings, the stables and the track. Then he drew a detailed floor plan for a 4,000-square-foot house that would sit on a 200-acre dream ranch.
“He put a great deal of his heart into the project and the next day he handed it in to his teacher. Two days later he received his paper back. On the front page was a large red F with a note that read, `See me after class.’

“The boy with the dream went to see the teacher after class and asked, `Why did I receive an F?’

“The teacher said, `This is an unrealistic dream for a young boy like you. You have no money. You come from an itinerant family. You have no resources. Owning a horse ranch requires a lot of money. You have to buy the land. You have to pay for the original breeding stock and later you’ll have to pay large stud fees. There’s no way you could ever do it.’ Then the teacher added, `If you will rewrite this paper with a more realistic goal, I will reconsider your grade.’

“The boy went home and thought about it long and hard. He asked his father what he should do. His father said, `Look, son, you have to make up your own mind on this. However, I think it is a very important decision for you.’ “Finally, after sitting with it for a week, the boy turned in the same paper, making no changes at all.

He stated, “You can keep the F and I’ll keep my dream.”

Monty then turned to the assembled group and said, “I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4,000-square-foot house in the middle of my 200-acre horse ranch. I still have that school paper framed over the fireplace.”

He added, “The best part of the story is that two summers ago that same schoolteacher brought 30 kids to camp out on my ranch for a week.” When the teacher was leaving, he said, “Look, Monty, I can tell you this now. When I was your teacher, I was something of a dream stealer. During those years I stole a lot of kids’ dreams. Fortunately you had enough gumption not to give up on yours.”

“Don’t let anyone steal your dreams. Follow your heart, no matter what.”

Can destiny be changed?

My maid in Mumbai posed a serious question to me one day. 

This is what she had to narrate. Her neighbour had a lady guest in her house some time back. This guest had come from a village to undergo treatment for her cancer. As luck would have it, this lady got cured totally and went back to her village. She is a lady who works on fields—“Kheti” as they call it. While working so, one day she got bitten by a snake and died on the spot. 

My maid’s question was, “Is this why God saved her from cancer? If she was fated to die soon anyways why did God save her from cancer? Why did HE make her go through this? Was it her fate? Was it her destiny?”

Well, at that moment I had no convincing answer. It set me thinking though. I had a doubt myself. Was it fate? Was it destiny? Aren’t both fate and destiny same? Or have they donned the different avatars with the same meaning?

I had to glance through the dictionary for an answer.

Lets take Destiny in the first place. Destiny is described in the dictionary as , “A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: "Marriage and hanging go by destiny"(Robert Burton); The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together. Some thing that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.

Fate is described as , “a calamitous or unfavourable outcome or result; death, destruction, or downfall to predetermine; doom—“he was fated to lose the game"; a destiny or doom, eg death—“A terrible fate awaited her”; controlled or intended by fate—“He seemed fated to arrive late wherever he went.”

After analyzing the vivid meanings of Fate and Destiny as given in the dictionary, though they had the same overlapping synonyms, the subtle difference glared at me...... Fate is always associated with the negative factor where as Destiny need NOT be negative.

In fact one of the meanings for Fate was --Unfavorable destiny; doom. That’s what convinced me the existence of difference between both.

Destiny is something that drives us towards our chosen destination. It nurtures hopes and takes us to a place where we are “destined” to find happiness. Destiny allows us to choose the path. While Fate takes away our choices. Its something that happens to us whether we desire it or not. For some, its cruel, though it is meant for strengthening one’s inner power to achieve great things. 

The responsibility for finding our Destiny is ours alone. 

But Fate finds us.




Going by this theory I thought I got the answer for my maid’s question. It was destiny which brought the woman from the village to be cured of her cancer. And it was Fate that made her embrace death from a snake bite.

It was "Destiny" which saved some people during "9/11"-- people who missed to be present in the place of tragedy for some reasons beyond their control. Some silliest reasons. And it was "Fate" which consumed the lives of many.

Sometime back I had published a story on “destiny” in my FB page. Despite being repetitive, I would like to narrate it here for it describes the word “Destiny” very aptly.

During a momentous battle, a Japanese general decided to attack even though his army was greatly outnumbered. He was confident they would win, but his men were filled with doubt.

On the way to the battle, they stopped at a religious shrine. After praying with the men, the general took out a coin and said, "I shall now toss this coin. If it is heads, we shall win. If it is tails we shall lose."

"Destiny will now reveal itself."

He threw the coin into the air and all watched intently as it landed. It was heads. The soldiers were so overjoyed and filled with confidence that they vigorously attacked the enemy and were victorious.

After the battle. a lieutenant remarked to the general, "No one can change destiny."

"Quite right," the general replied as he showed the lieutenant the coin, which had heads on both sides.     

Life taught me a subtle lesson here. Now I could convincingly conclude that it was “Destiny” which brought victory for the Japanese team while it was “Fate” which made the enemies lose. Do you agree?

The day one truly grows up

“When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” ― C.S. Lewis


This is how I would describe maturity. “Putting away childish things including the fear of childishness and the desire to grow up”. 

Steve Goodier narrates his own definition of maturity in one of his posts in his blog,
“My wife and I were married when we were young. And I have to say, I don’t love her like I used to. I’ve changed, and so has she. Enough years will do that. We’ve been through ups and downs. We grew older. And I my feelings for her grew older, too.
The relationship feels more secure now. I think it is a better love than years ago – more enduring. More solid. Like the two of us, our love grew up."

And maybe they could live the rest of their life without having to articulate to each other, “I love you.” Life has ripened them and matured them for certain.

Maturity manifests itself in different avatars.

Maturity is……….

Capacity to take right decisions and more than that --“stick to it.” In short maturity is “accountability”. “The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.” ― John C. Maxwell. Looking at it from this angle, it’s a pity to conclude that lots of our politicians are "immatured”.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” Says Mark Z. Danielewski. Its very easy for one to pretend that one knows everything. But the ignorance will reveal itself at some point or the other. Accepting the fact of “i-do-not-know” is maturity.

“Maturity is when your world opens up and you realize that you are not the center of it.” Says M.J. Croan. Being “jealous” is absolute immaturity. Everyone gets what he deserves. Accepting that is maturity.

Unfortunately this world is full of immature people who vanish into thin air when their friends & acquaintances need them the most. They either turn up late or never at all, knowingly. They don’t mean what they say or do what they mean. Maturity is “dependability”. Extending a shoulder to someone to cry on saying, “I-am-there-for-you-come-what-may” is maturity. Maturity is that time when the mirrors in our mind turn to windows and instead of seeing the reflection of ourselves we see others. “Youth ends when egotism does; maturity begins when one lives for others.” ― Hermann Hesse, Gertrude.

Waiting for things to happen without getting agitated is maturity. It’s the immatured who wants things to get done “NOW”. They do not have the capacity to resist the urge for immediate gratification. Whereas the matured opt for a course that will pay off later.

Maturity is humility. When warranted, saying “Yes, I’m wrong” and NOT saying “I told you so” when others go wrong.

Maturity is perseverance. Giving up on things that we wanted mid-way because we 'knew’ we would never get them is not maturity. You never 'know'.

Maturity is not “back-biting”. It’s the occupation of the immatured.

To be able to hear and bear the worst that is said about one's own self is maturity. To err is human but to be able to laugh at one's own error is maturity. “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” Douglas Engelbart

The list is endless. We can go on and on.........But when and where to stop........is maturity!

There goes a saying, “Lord! Give me the strength to accept that which cannot be changed, the courage to change that which can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.“

That wisdom in precise terms is maturity. Life endows everyone with that wisdom without fail. Its upto us to take it or leave it. 

"We make a difference"

Today is a special day. Teachers’ day. World over it’s the teachers who play the greatest role in moulding a child’s character. It is said that there are 3 kinds of teachers. A good teacher who tells, a superior teacher who explains and a great teacher who inspires. When I asked some teachers which one they would love to become, unanimously they all declared that they would love to belong to the third category. And how does the inspiring teacher stand out from the other teachers? What makes the difference? The answers were………

The inspiring teacher …………..
Influences the child to become........... what he wants to.
Shows a child who doesn’t like maths………………….how to love it
Makes the child put down the remote …………and take a book instead
Makes the child speak in front of the class……………without fear
Makes the child who feels butterflies in the stomach before a test……….feel good
Gives confidence to the child to do better on school……………….and on filed
Is a child’s super hero……….even if only for an hour
Treats the job less like a business………………and more like a pleasure
Is one who doesn’t quit……………until every child gets it

Yes. Just beneath the surface, in most teachers, beats a heart of service. They make a difference. Do you know why?

*It is because after God created men and women on the 6th day, he rested on the 7th day. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do on the next day.

For it was on that day-the 8th day-that God created the FIRST TEACHER.

This TEACHER, though taken from among men and women, had several significant modifications. 

In general, God made the TEACHER more durable than other men and women.

The TEACHER was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 p.m.- with no rest in between.

The TEACHER had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight classroom for six hours with thirty-five "monsters" on a rainy Monday.

And the TEACHER had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation. Yes, God made the TEACHER tough...but gentle too.

The TEACHER was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student...of those of the sixteen year old girl who was not asked to the prom.

The TEACHER was equipped with three pairs of eyes, "One pair that can see a student for what he is and not what society has labeled him. Another pair must be in the back of her head, to see what she shouldn't, but what she has to know. And one last pair in front can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect, 'I understand and I still believe in you' without so much as uttering a word."

And into the TEACHER God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the TEACHER has just repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the fourth day in a row. Patience when one-third of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.

And God gave the TEACHER a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the TEACHER's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the classroom at the end of the period without so much as a "goodbye", let alone a "thank you".

And lastly, God gave the TEACHER an abundant supply of HOPE. For God knew that the TEACHER would always be hoping. Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell... hoping not to have lunchroom duty... hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day.... hoping for deliverance.

"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow..."

"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who comes to work when she is too sick ...can still teach a class when they don't want to learn...loves thousands of children that are not her own...and all of this in both sexes. And wait until you see my Special Ed teacher! She is truly special; she will never take anything her students do for granted."

When God finished creating the TEACHER, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the TEACHER was good. Very Good! And God smiled, for when he looked at the TEACHER, he saw into the future.

He knew that the future is in the hands of the TEACHERS.

I bow to you teachers who make a difference in the child’s life. 

*http://www.inspiringteachers.com