Compliment than Reprimand

Two children were climbing a tree. It was their favorite pastime. Suddenly there was a gush of wind. The leaves started to rattle and the tree began to sway. The first child’s parent shouted, “Hey! Hold on!”  And the child held on...... without falling. The second child’s parent shouted, “Hey! Don’t fall!” And the child...... fell!

How do we explain this? Simple. The mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, it cannot see a negative picture at all. In order for the second child to process the command of not falling, the child’s brain had to first imagine falling and then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Which the brain found difficult to process in short time. Whereas the first child’s brain instantly had a positive image of him hanging on tightly.
Moral of the story: Usage of negative words has a toxic effect.

Like the second parent, many times in lives we do use toxic vocabulary words unwittingly while raising children. What we fail to recognize is that these negative vocabulary words are capable of bringing down the child’s self-confidence and self-worth. The major damage that this linguistic error can execute. And what are these toxic vocabulary words?

• But: "I know you are a good child. but........" This word negates any words that are pronounced prior to it however complimentary they were.
• Try: There is a difference between telling a child, “I’ll try to take you for a holiday” and “I’ll take you for a holiday this year”. The vocabulary “try” implies not having any serious intention to do it in the first place. Children should be encouraged to respect honesty. It presupposes failure.
• If: "If I come back from work early today, I'll take you out"....This word 'If' presupposes that any promises made MAY / MAY NOT not happen.
• Might: Again this is one word that defines nothing. It leaves options open for the child and leaves the child wondering what is in store.
• Would Have: Talks about things that didn't actually happen. So why waste time?
• Should Have: "You should have worked harder...." This draws attention to things that didn't actually happen plus makes the child feel guilty.
• Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
• Can't/Don't: Exactly the mistake committed by the second parent. These words force the child to focus on the opposite of what the parent wants.

Mahatma Gandhi found this principle to be true in his own experience. "If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it," he said. "But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it, even if I did not have the ability in the beginning." The ability which was borne out of sheer belief in positivity.

Here’s an illustration of what these toxic phrases do and how to replace them: 

Toxic phrase	Likely result	Better language
"Don't drop the ball!"	Drops the ball	"Catch the ball!"
"You shouldn't watch so much television."	Watches more television.	"I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"

Charity begins at home. To avoid using the toxic phrases on children, it is obligatory NOT to use it on our own selves. Phrases like “I am fat”, “I’m dark”, “My nose is ugly”….should consciously be avoided on oneself and actively replaced with positive vocabulary. 

Psychologists claim that it takes 10 positive statements to offset 1 negative statement. There is immense power in affirming positively. One needs to motivate and encourage rather than criticize, compliment rather than reprimand, be it children or anyone else.